Today’s item is sent to us by one Captain Clarke, who insists that we feature it at the risk of our ships being plundered. She claims it is the only item she has ever needed to deal with problematic crew members or plumbing, and tells us that our readers will surely need one. Without further ado, we present The Singing Plunger, in admission that we should have printed it two days ago, before our ships were plundered. We apologize profusely to Captain Clarke for the delay, and ask her to please stop plundering our ships.
The plunger is wondrous in its ability to sing at any time, even while in use, and is said to discipline even the most rowdy of crew members who are forced to unclog toilets with it, for the singing is so bad as to require a man of great fortitude to endure. We are pleased to report that we can still hear the plunger in our cellar, as it has started up just now.
The singing plunger, aside from obvious uses in unclogging toilets, can be affixed to any hard, flat surface, whereupon it sings loudly and badly for 1d4 hours. Anyone in the area must succeed on a DC 12 Charisma saving throw or be forced to attempt (usually fruitlessly) to deal with the plunger so as to make it less annoying. The singing is loud and carries to all creatures within 120 feet when not muffled, or within sixty feet when muffled heavily, and the plunger is magically enchanted as to be nearly impossible to remove from a hard surface. The only way to do so is to join it in song for 1d4 minutes, after which it ceases to sing and falls from any surface to which it is attached.
A Story From the Frontier
Today it is rumored from Atlantis that there is a most curious medical condition, which affects the citizens in a most unfortunate manner, of turning them back into fish. Little else is known, but it is rumored that the great doctor we wrote of earlier is embroiled deeply in the matter, and seeks adventurers to assist her with the provisioning of a cure. The editors are most eager to know more, and offer a reward of fifty crown for information on the story leading to an expose.
Rumor has it that there is a medication which can effect the most rapid transformation of the individuals back to a stable state; however, that supplies of the medication are mysteriously absent.*
* Editor’s Note: For the canonical version of events, see our upcoming supplement, The Atlantis Syndrome.
In Other News
- The crown has issued a statement that persons abusing ox-carts to ride down hills are liable for damages.
- The color blue has been deemed fortuitous by the infamous Mr. Magnus, drawing him the attention of the tabloids.
- A single arrow was found affixed deeply in the door of the inn by passers-by yesterday evening.
I, Chef Gustav, have begun a journey to the fabled city of Atlantis, where doubtless I shall find the most exquisite of foreign delicacies. This week, however, I am half-way there; I have stopped in the port-side town of Port Amora. Here I find all manner of most atrocious and delicious foods, the likes of which you will never believe!
Delights of Port Amora
The waters of Port Amora are teeming with fish, and it reflects in the local diet. Everything from jellyfish to shark is swimming in the water and my soup bowl as I inspect the culinary delights of this ravenous town!
|6||Salt Pork Taffy|
A dish of a large jellyfish, fried and seasoned with a manner of salty brine and preserving spices, served on vegetables and citrus fruits.
Seasoned with spices from far beyond the empire, the shark is roasted over an open fire and served whole upon a large platter, with a pumpkin in its mouth, from which the highest-ranking officer is expected to serve the roasted seeds in proportion to his favor while staunchly claiming everyone has had the same amount.
These clams are not simply cooked but soaked in butter, boiled in their shells in a sauteeing solution of butter and foreign spice. Contrary to the inital expectation, the dish may be served with cinnamon as often as with garlic, and then forms a dessert of exquisite sweetness.
I must confess no taste for this dish myself, but I am always game for an adventure. The anenome is roasted in its shell, and is… juicy.
The delicacy is even finer here than in the capitol, for here the shrimp are fresher caught. They are first dipped in garlic butter, then in foreign spices which make them intensely flavorful, and are finally battered in crumbled crackers.
Salt Pork Taffy
This taffy is the result of pouring toffee over a piece of salted pork; the blend of salty and sweet is most pleasing to the tongue, though the texture can be somewhat disconcerting.