We here at Creative Assembly have heard the furious cry and outrage over the ‘slim’ possibility of receiving a *gasp* female General in our title, Total War: Rome II. We have listened to your calm and rational reviews and we are pleased and honored to let you, our intelligent and dedicated fans, be the first to know about an exciting new edition of Total War: Rome II. The Historically Accurate Edition. For the low price of 499.99 Denarii (just kidding, American dollars) you too can experience this historically accurate and precise version of Total War.
Included with your purchase:
Total War: Rome 2
Contract making you the property of Creative Assembly for no longer than 25 years.
A Talent of dirt** (that’s 50 pounds for the plebes)
A mystery vial for the total genuine authentic experience***
And the guarantee that you will never have to serve under a female general****
*Key given after dirt and vial explored completely
**Dirt may have blood, feces, disease, and human remains
***Vial could contain one or any of the following: Cholera, dysentery, bubonic (or other)plague, syphilis, blood, feces, human remains, and any other authentic and accurate substances that could be found from the Ancient era.
**** Guarantee not guaranteed
Be able to march 20 miles in one day
Have no physical impairments (bad eyesight, overweight etc.)
Be able to build a camp including ditch and wall of sharpened stakes every day
And most importantly, Discipline (Seriously, you’ll be killed if you shirk your responsibility)
OS: XP/ Vista / Windows 7 / Windows 8
Processor:2 GHz Intel Dual Core processor / 2.6 GHz Intel Single Core processor
Graphics:512 MB DirectX 9.0c compatible card (shader model 3, vertex texture fetch support).
Hard Drive:35 GB HD space
Additional:Screen Resolution – 1024×768
Assuming you fight well (and live) you too could know the accurate experience of being a Roman General.
Victoriæ et prosperitatis!
Disclaimer: This is satire and probably does not reflect the views of Creative Assembly or Sega. Any butthurt feelings can grow the hell up.
Actor, writer, director, and bald guy. Plus I play video games.